Lily Lulonut

I never learned to be alone with myself, even though I’ve been alone my entire life. 

I realized something tonight. Something I have been trying to run away from for weeks now. Something I have been ignoring for months now.  

For my entire life, I have been alone. Both the person I pretended to be, and my true self locked away behind walls. Both, alone for decades. Wanting more, wanting someone.  

Then I finally let myself out. I broke down the walls inside my mind and was free. I was still trapped, spending a year transitioning, still behind the person I pretended to be.  

Then one day, I let the mask fall, and I forever became Lily. No more hiding, no more pretending. I was still alone, but now it was just me. So, I had a chance to finally learn how to be alone with myself.  

Then, about 6 months later, I met them. They let me in, started a relationship with me, and I was suddenly not alone anymore. I had the things I wanted for decades. Not perfect, but something I could hold onto.  

However, it did not last long before they broke up with me. We did remain friends and kink partners, so I held onto hope. I held onto the hope that they would want me, that they would be the ones to see me. But it never happened.  

So, I ignored everything for hope. I never went back to being alone.  

A few weeks ago, they severed any relationship ties there may have been left. The rope snapped. We are still friends, but the hope is gone. Replaced now with grief.  

So, I ignored the obvious, and pushed forward. Looking for my person even harder. Putting myself into positions and situations that would only make me feel worse for being alone. I refused to accept that I was alone.  

Until tonight. Tonight I am finally letting the grief flow. I am saying I am alone and it’s ok. I am alone, and I am myself.  

I need to be ok being alone with myself. I need to be ok not looking for a partner. I need to be ok just existing.  

I hate that I was not able to learn this lesson when I was younger. I wasted so much time because of the things that happened to me as a kid. I hate that I have to learn this lesson so late in life. 

It is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I know I am strong enough to do it. 

I’m happy I am finally giving myself a chance to learn about myself. To be happy with myself. To just be alone for a while, and it being ok.  

No more searching. No more posts reaching out or trying to find someone. No more going to events hoping to meet someone. No more asking friends to push me into talking to someone I find cute.  

I’ll still go out and have fun, go to events. Do the things I love to do. Be with my friends and just enjoy life. But I’ll do it by myself.  

I am more scared than I have ever been in my entire life, and at the same time so excited to meet me.  

~ Lily Lulonut