Lily Lulonut

The below writing is a prose poetry piece I wrote tonight, while in a lonely place. It really helped to ground me and help me understand some feelings I’ve been holding onto recently. It does touch on darker aspects of pain and trauma, so be mindful.

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Alone… Always alone.  

Ive been alone sense I was a child. 

I always had to take care of myself, to keep myself safe.  

There were no adults, no friends to help me.  

I had to feel the pain, the misery. Alone. 

I had to feel an adult, someone a child should be able to trust, take advantage of that trust.  

The bullies who followed him, and saw something that was not like themselves. Someone they could torture.  

I had to be seen by people who would only take advantage.  

So of course I hid, I buried myself behind walls and behind lies.  

I made sure that no one would ever be able to hurt me again, I made sure I was alone.  

My parents thought they understood, and they tried to help in the only way they could. But that help was sending me to someone else, a therapist. 

Fuck that therapist.  

That therapist did not want to help me, or figure out what the real issue was. They did not want to acknowledge my true self.  

They taught me to bury it deeper. To replace it with things that could distract me.  

Video games, food, excuses.  

Fuck him! 

So I hid, I figured out a way to survive and I stayed that way. From the age of 10 till the age of 38.  

Nearly 3 decades I stayed behind walls I built, I stayed alone.  

I knew nothing else. My entire life was loneliness.  

I never acknowledged it, never faced it.  

I just stayed depressed, and behind a forced smile.  

I hid behind video games and food. I stayed away.  

Now that I have found myself. Now that I am no longer hiding behind walls, I’m still lonely.  

Now that I can face it, sit with it, it hurts so much more.  

It’s built up for decades, it’s been simmering.  

The loneliness is stronger now. 

I crave someone. Someone who understands me. 

Someone who can just hold me, and let me feel safe and cry.  

Not to talk, or to solve an issue, but to just be there with me.  

Friendship, love that goes unspoken; these things only sting more when combined with being alone.  

Knowing that I am nobody’s priority, nobody’s pick. 

So I sit, I lay in bed. I cry. 

I sit with the loneliness by myself, as I always have. 

But now I FEEL it. In my heart.  

It burns so hard now that I am facing it.  

The walls are down, and the feelings only burn that much hotter.  

I sit with them, I feel them. 

It hurts… 

It, is human.  

I’m human again, not a lie protecting the truth.  

No longer a girl trapped inside her lie, her suffering. 

I’m free. 

Free to feel, and free to love.  

I won’t be lonely forever. 

Someday… 

Someday I’ll be complete.